@TommyKarate

“You missed a spot.”

-g

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@ConanOBrien

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

@Manda_like_wine

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

@BitchyJasmine

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.

@Cheeseboy22

Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.

@cupcakelynda

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

@Social_Mime

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

@twylaredsun

Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.

@UnFitz

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

@GrantTanaka

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS