“You missed a spot.”


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Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.


Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.


Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.


Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.


My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.


Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.


Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.


Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?


son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS