The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
You Might Also Like
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
necessity is the mother of invention
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.