@LizHackett

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

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@DannyDutch

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

@thetigersez

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

@jonnysun

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

@NewDadNotes

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

@_Tempo11

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

@JulesC70

Junk is something that you’ve kept for years & throw away 3 weeks before you need it.

@sarcasticmommy4

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

@thatUPSdude

Me: Can I get cheese on that?

Waiter: Sir, you ordered mozzarella sticks.

Me: And?

@dumbbeezie

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

@ohen39

[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one