Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
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Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Hyena: what’s my name again?
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Junk is something that you’ve kept for years & throw away 3 weeks before you need it.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Me: Can I get cheese on that?
Waiter: Sir, you ordered mozzarella sticks.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one