@DannyDutch
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
@LizHackett
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
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@DannyDutch
@thetigersez
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
@jonnysun
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
@NewDadNotes
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
@_Tempo11
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
@JulesC70
Junk is something that you’ve kept for years & throw away 3 weeks before you need it.
@sarcasticmommy4
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
@thatUPSdude
Me: Can I get cheese on that?
Waiter: Sir, you ordered mozzarella sticks.
Me: And?
@dumbbeezie
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
@ohen39
[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one