You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

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Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?


Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.


BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it


Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.



Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )


I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.


Junk is something that you’ve kept for years & throw away 3 weeks before you need it.


Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.


Me: Can I get cheese on that?

Waiter: Sir, you ordered mozzarella sticks.

Me: And?


People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die


[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one