I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*