@cravin4

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

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@notalogin

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

@DamienFahey

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

@Donna_McCoy

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

@dshack8

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

@fro_vo

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

@ChicksRule

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

@Dawn_M_

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

@NinsunG

Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on…

– me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants

@pro_worrier_

It’s the day after Christmas and all through the house the creatures were digging through trash to find the toy they accidentally threw away