You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

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Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him


The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.


Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms


Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.


hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are


Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol


If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.


Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on…

– me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants


It’s the day after Christmas and all through the house the creatures were digging through trash to find the toy they accidentally threw away