You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
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Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.