It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
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Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻