You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
You Might Also Like
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
🤣
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”