You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
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What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby