You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
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One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.