[answers my phone]
hey it’s me, can you talk?
“since i was two”
no, can you talk now?
“do you hear words coming out my mouth?”
You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.
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Me: what are ya in for?
Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I’ve been hitting “remind me later” for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
Ya’ll a bunch of panicking morons for people who claim to want to die daily.
Your search – Bruno Mars not wearing a stupid hat – did not match any documents. Did you mean: Bruno Mars wearing a stupid hat.
If life has taught me anything, it’s that browser history repeats itself.