You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.

You Might Also Like


[answers my phone]
hey it’s me, can you talk?
“since i was two”
no, can you talk now?
“do you hear words coming out my mouth?”


Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick


Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost


I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.


Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.


*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.


I’ve been hitting “remind me later” for about the last 4 years on Adobe.


Ya’ll a bunch of panicking morons for people who claim to want to die daily.


Your search – Bruno Mars not wearing a stupid hat – did not match any documents. Did you mean: Bruno Mars wearing a stupid hat.


If life has taught me anything, it’s that browser history repeats itself.