me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
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[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
handsome & gretel
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Watson was Holmes schooled
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
the Monday after daylight savings
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons