@bggas400

You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.

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@KeetPotato

[answers my phone]
“hello?”
hey it’s me, can you talk?
“since i was two”
no, can you talk now?
“do you hear words coming out my mouth?”

@Reverend_Scott

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

@weinerdog4life

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

@batkaren

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

@_thatigirl

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

@wittwitbarista

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

@gingerfaced

I’ve been hitting “remind me later” for about the last 4 years on Adobe.

@Whoizbad

Ya’ll a bunch of panicking morons for people who claim to want to die daily.

@boring_as_heck

Your search – Bruno Mars not wearing a stupid hat – did not match any documents. Did you mean: Bruno Mars wearing a stupid hat.

@Freudianscript

If life has taught me anything, it’s that browser history repeats itself.