You never know how strong you are until you have to move your furniture all alone.

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My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”


I get 9″ in bed every night. That’s how much mattress is left for me once the dogs get comfortable.


#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.


My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.


i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”


Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…


I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.


Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”


*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no


I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don’t have any tattoos.