Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
AM I BEING GASLIT????
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off