My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
You never know how strong you are until you have to move your furniture all alone.
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I get 9″ in bed every night. That’s how much mattress is left for me once the dogs get comfortable.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?
CAT: lol, no
I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don’t have any tattoos.