Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
When you kidnap a writer.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there