You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
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“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.