You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

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Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life


My toddler just asked me “mummy why do people think falsely attributing quotes to my preschool peers lends their bad opinions authenticity?”


3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.


Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job


Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.


[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists


ADHD in the streets

Naughty fr…so hey, does anyone want to play Sonic the Hedgehog?


Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.


Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM