@Mikel_Jollett

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

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@causticbob

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

@AbiWilks

My toddler just asked me “mummy why do people think falsely attributing quotes to my preschool peers lends their bad opinions authenticity?”

@Contwixt

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

@noog

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

@TheRealPalMal

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

@tazsme

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

@poizngrl

ADHD in the streets

Naughty fr…so hey, does anyone want to play Sonic the Hedgehog?

@BastardProphet

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM