You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
who wants to go expliring
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either