@Prof_Hinkley

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

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@MissNaughty1801

Him:I’m not going to use this taxi company again. They nearly killed me this morning
Me:don’t be so hasty darling…give them another chance

@HumanPog

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

@NewDadNotes

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

@patnspankme

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

@UGotMeRight

If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I’m gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.

@Sanbel11

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
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No, why?

@squirrel74wkgn

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

@bransonreese

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.