You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Dune (2021)
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand