You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
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You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
(Jupiter –
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.