@BoogTweets

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

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@DitzMcGeee

1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.

2019:

@daemonic3

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

@BuckyIsotope

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

@joshgondelman

My girlfriend and I are thinking about adopting a dog because we’ve had no luck trying to have one naturally.

@Leemanish

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

@GlennyRodge

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

@Daddy_dougie

I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..

He’s a small arms dealer.