Many said I couldn’t crossbreed peacocks and flamingos. Yet, I stand here today with my beloved flamingcocks as an inspiration to our youth.
You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.
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Twitter is the new flypaper.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Gets run over by chicken*
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”