Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
You Might Also Like
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.