@darrinfb

You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.

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@ladybroseph

Many said I couldn’t crossbreed peacocks and flamingos. Yet, I stand here today with my beloved flamingcocks as an inspiration to our youth.

@Kids_kubed

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

@thisplacetho

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

@psybermonkey

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@coalslag

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

@MikeBigby

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

@copymama

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”