asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
You Might Also Like
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
An odd boast