You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
You Might Also Like
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Breaking news:
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.