@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

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@stevedildarian

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

@WilliamAder

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

@KateWhineHall

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

@ddsmidt

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

@DaddyJew

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

@sofarrsogud

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

@SaraESpivey

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

@leez_rat

Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*
OH MY GOSH SORRY FOR THE POCKET TEXT LMAO

@MartaEffing

*leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Me: how much for the entire case?
Donut shop clerk: ma’am, $8.99 a dozen