CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
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If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Ur hot plz marry me.
OH MY GOSH SORRY FOR THE POCKET TEXT LMAO
*leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Me: how much for the entire case?
Donut shop clerk: ma’am, $8.99 a dozen