You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

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Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you


Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did


Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?



Therapist: well it’s worth a try


“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions


[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd


“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”


I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero