@curlycomedy

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

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@Schmoodles

High cholesterol food will always have a special place in my heart.

@JimmerThatisAll

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

@robfee

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

@NomDeBenoit

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

@stephenjmolloy

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

@mommajessiec

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

@HallpassCanada

Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.

@SentenceReduced

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

@JimmerThatisAll

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

@neerjagurnani

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.