You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
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HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Gods work.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.