You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

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High cholesterol food will always have a special place in my heart.


If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.


Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.


Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him


[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”


Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?


Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.


I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.


If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist


Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.