Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
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Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
When someone says you are so lazy
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
#Caturday
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza