[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
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I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
What a chick magnet..
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.