I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
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How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Body by cheese-puffs.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I want what they have