Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ShesAllNat

Is a red headed Ninja called a Ginja?

@AverageCorners

11: Did it rain last night?

Me: No.

11: But it’s so wet!

Me: That’s what she said.

11: What?

Me: What?

@afbradstone

Today I heard a guy on the street say, “It’s chowder season, baby!” so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

@copymama

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[At a bank using a 4 color ball point pen]

*scrawls on napkin*

*Red* Put [click]
*Green* $$$ [click]
*Black* In [click]
*Blue* Bag [click]

@WistfulBlue

When someone loves you a lot they will buy you a burrito even when you’re not hungry so you can get fat and no one else will love you.

@thepunningman

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

@SamuelHLowe

– Baby, I can’t sleep.
– And it was pissing you off that I could?

@amishschool

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

@FredTaming

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.