You (normal person, can make small talk): I like your name

Me (awkward af, says stupid shit constantly): thanks it was a birthday present

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11: Did it rain last night?

Me: No.

11: But it’s so wet!

Me: That’s what she said.

11: What?

Me: What?


Today I heard a guy on the street say, “It’s chowder season, baby!” so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words


Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.


[At a bank using a 4 color ball point pen]

*scrawls on napkin*

*Red* Put [click]
*Green* $$$ [click]
*Black* In [click]
*Blue* Bag [click]


When someone loves you a lot they will buy you a burrito even when you’re not hungry so you can get fat and no one else will love you.


“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]


– Baby, I can’t sleep.
– And it was pissing you off that I could?


This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.


“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.