Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
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The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!