ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
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I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Realize this:
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only