@RickAaron

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

You Might Also Like

@magsaidwhat

“Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine.” – Nicki Minaj

@HeyJennyConway

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

@bobvulfov

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

@radtoria

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

@KirstenCatClub

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

@Megatronic13

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

@pixelatedboat

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die