99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
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“Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine.” – Nicki Minaj
The first rule of parenting is: never negotiate with terrorists.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die