YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
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When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster