“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
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Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Banking tips
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Sunday
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert