I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
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I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.