@chrisrockoz

You only live once, so don’t forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

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@Carbosly

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

@AnitaHelmet

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

@jctwritesstuff

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

@turtledumplin

I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.

@MindyFurano

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

@rockymomax

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

@delusions_of

My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.

@TheDrunkJake

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter