You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
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Need to bring up task manager so I can shut Monday down and then restart.
The Weeknd is back
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.