Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
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“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?