@Trillburne

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

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@Turn2Dude

Need to bring up task manager so I can shut Monday down and then restart.

@tobyherman27

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

@TheThomason

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

@jordanklepper

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

@BunAndLeggings

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

@Vodkantots

I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.

@TheHyyyype

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome