“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.
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Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.