@blade_funner

You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.

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@Marlebean

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

@FredTaming

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

@FeelingEuphoric

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

@Shen_the_Bird

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

@jellybnbonanza

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

@ElizaBayne

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.