You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
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me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside