@lecalabara

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

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@AthenaMystique

Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.

@AlyssaDiSalle

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

@kylekinane

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

@Xoolun

These Jehovah’s Witnesses are getting creative.

They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.

@steeve_again

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

@girlontapas

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

@Big_Cat74

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

@Tmoney68

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

@amandajpanda

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.