You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Dudes named Chance never had one.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny