You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

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Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.


Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”


Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.


These Jehovah’s Witnesses are getting creative.

They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.


[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes


Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.


me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings


If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.


I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.