You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”