You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
You Might Also Like
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Van Gone
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.