@somecleverthing

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

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@rachann79

In honour ouf Canada Day, I’m incourpourating unnecessary ‘u’s intou my wourds.

@3sunzzz

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

@lawyerthoughts

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

@DamonHunzeker

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

@freedom2726

Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his “wined up” toy.

@NurseMurderer

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

@SteveSuckington

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”