you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
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Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again