You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
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Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
#winning
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please