You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”


I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.


The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.


as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.


inexplicably call ur boss “shortpants” until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes


Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!


Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.