I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
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When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.