@donni

YOU: Please be aware–
ME: I’m not. I never will be. I’ve never even SEEN a “ware”

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@meghaffer

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

@LEDawes

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

@PatsATweetin

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

@JElvisWeinstein

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

@Almighty_Smoot

Saturday plans:
-get abducted then hunted by a group of rich guys on a game reserve, then systematically take them out one by one.
– laundry

@MichaelTrying

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

@dugglebutt

I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.

@Tmoney68

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.