You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
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The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Today’s Times
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
he’s doing your taxes
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.