@AndyAsAdjective

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

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@_xLNc

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

@squirrel74wkgn

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

@Mirimade

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

@AlanFelyk

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

@Burger_Time_

Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand

@MelKassel

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

@Dallani

Yes, 911?…
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?

@Boleyngirly

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

@sploosk

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

@broken_rhi

My friend just said “I hope you’re staying out of trouble,” and we laughed and laughed.