You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
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New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I have never related to a cat more
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Fight
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”