You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.


Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit


I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.


“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner


Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand


1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET


Yes, 911?…
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?


I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.


The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground


My friend just said “I hope you’re staying out of trouble,” and we laughed and laughed.