‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.