@Willie1derful

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

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@UncleDuke1969

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

@lazerdoov

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

@ozzyunc

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

@CollegeHumor

Apparently the Burger King account is suspended while they think of a stronger password than “horsemeat”.

@Megatronic13

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

@GrandadJFreeman

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

@E_lok44

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

@darinlovesbacon

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

@The_Grant_Boldt

“Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?”

“Okay”

*Mom returns with Morgan Freeman*

“I love you mom”