‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”