“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
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hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
gentlemen, hear me out
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.