Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
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Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
I want to hit her with my car
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go
The awkward moment when Lady Gaga has no idea what to wear for halloween.