@CornOnTheGoblin

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

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@Playing_Dad

Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*

@Carbosly

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

@mattZillaaaa

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

@JihadPizza

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

@AdamTheLobster

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

@T_Longstreth

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

@shariv67

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

@amandalsabrook

College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go