You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
You Might Also Like
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week