You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

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We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//


HOLD YOUR HORSES. Love your horses. Remind your horses everyday how much you love them. Feed your horses.


I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?


GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.


If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.


[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.


agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here


Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver’s eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.


It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store


Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money