@GoldenSpirals

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

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@NicktheDrummy

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

@andreeahluscu

HOLD YOUR HORSES. Love your horses. Remind your horses everyday how much you love them. Feed your horses.

@dieworkwear

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

@RACarter

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

@jjhartinger

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

@3sunzzz

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

@FredTaming

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

@kumailn

Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver’s eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.

@twelveoclocke

It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store

@GroovyTasia

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money