You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
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I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
It’s a gift
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
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hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.