@HatfieldAnne

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

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@Gupton68

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

@LuvPug

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

@bylinetd

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

@iamspacegirl

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

@jenlaw_11

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

@Notoliviasteel

Cop : HANDS IN THE AIR!
Me: *drunk, starts flailing arms*
Cop: NO, NOT LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

@3sunzzz

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

@DanMentos

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas