You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
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I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Ken is short for chicken
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.