you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
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Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
The old gods are rising again.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired