@hipstermermaid

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

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@geekysteven

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

@marinhubka

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

@3sunzzz

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

@KevinFarzad

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

@BreachingBad

Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?

@Lhlodder

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

@_coryrichardson

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: [panicking] john jacob jingleheimer schmidt

@MattTheBrand

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

@aka_fatman

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

@sixfootcandy

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*