We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
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[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.
Beer Fan : Budweiser?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
her: call me names
me: [panicking] john jacob jingleheimer schmidt
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Me: What? *click*