You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
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[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
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Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
i’m still crying at this
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”